It was an extremely eventful week. Happy that after the fortnight this has also come in and has taught me many a thing and is boosting my confidence and helping me to understand many things.
I went to NH to meet with my old team as its been ages and came to know that one of our former colleague was flying down and so planned for a reunion after 6 years. It was real fun remembering the things and the work. During our fellowship days we used to be in the hospital before 6.30 PM and will go home around midnight. Though work was really hectic it was fun and our Chairman was a man whose very presence gives confidence and he makes sure that all his fellows do well and cares for them just as a father does for his child. If it had not been for him I believe I would not have been able to pursue my Neurotology fellowship which is a once in a lifetime oppurtunity for he made sure my contract with AIMS was cancelled.
It also created a very big longing seeing my former colleagues enjoying what I enjoy the most (dealing only with Cancer and participating in research and publishing, though I have 6 papers I do not have th urge to do so) created a huge pang in me but then reality came in and made me realize my health and my limitations. How life has changed in the last one year.
Also since the last 3-4 weeks I have joined full time at Apollo and work has become very hectic and I am pushing myself to the extremes just to assess myself. I also should at this point in time thank the management especially my CEO for accepting and helping me during my absence and also during my hour of need.
I would once again take this oppurtunity to thank each and everone who sent me wishes, prayed for me and special thanks to my patients, referals and colleagues who make my work busy as each day passes and make me forget than I am a patient or was a patient.
But as you know whenever there is happiness or joy someone or something will always make sure it is shortlived and I had two incidents …
It was an extremely busy fortnight which entailed lots and lots of travel. First it was to our family temple in Thudupathi (Erode dist). This is my second visit and first time I really went around the temple, was taken aback by the temple. It had both Siva, Vishnu, separate ones for Saneeshwara and also for Kala Bhairavar. We had gone there with my family as a penance. There were times when I used to laugh at people when they say things like this but situations have forced me to believe these now and have started understanding and respecting peopled feelings.
The beauty of this temple is also that it have the Vilvam tree and Suyambu Namam meaning something which has grown by itself.
Next it was to Chennai for some personal business which was extremely exhausting since I had a short stay and lots of things to be finished.
As soon as I returned had to rush to the hospital since I was off for long. It is extremely exhausting and feeling tired but the good part is that I am forcing myself to the extreme and feeling happy about it. Want to push myself even further though do not want to be too aggressive and get bed ridden once again.
I also gained courage and guts to start with abdominal exercises and walking though again being very careful not to have a Hernia.
Next will be shifting the house as we are finding it difficult to manage kids in an independent house and because invariably everyone has said that we have to shift out ASAP.
How time has changed, doing things which I laughed and ridiculed people of doing earlier. I have also mellowed down to a great extent and have learnt to control my temper and feeling.
Think God has something for me in future and wants me to change and be prepared as long as it is not Cancer once again…
Today when my son was jumping with joy over his trip to the zoo tomorrow it just brought back memories of my childhood part of which I had blogged earlier.
When I was packing the things he wanted for his trip tears rolled down my eyes over the memories, memories too painful to be forgotten, memories of gratitude and memories which are making me to be what I am today…
In those days a trip to the zoo was only Rs.10 and that was the maximum amount which my father could afford, let it be marriage or friends trip. I still remember when my friends family was planning a trip to kovalam I said I wanted to join in and said I will chip in with Rs.10 and they all started laughing. Why they laughed was not evident until now and then it was marriage of friends brother or known people and the gift was standard a pack of handkerchief which cost around Rs.10…
How time has changed, the same people with whom I joined the same people who took me to beach, the same people who were kind enough to let us use the phone for overseas calls came to me for help few years back and I did what I can. My father also got my friend admission in college in a course of his liking which changed his future after he lost his father and was let down by his family. It is always his image and also that of another one of my childhood friend which always comes to my mind whenever I think of my disease, the uncertainity and the future of my kids.
Both always stood among the first three in class, were skilled either in art or in other extra curricular activities and both became mediocre and struggled after the demise of their father.
How time has changed when I could afford whatever my son wanted, whatever activities he wants to get involved.
My finishing lines for this blog is Thank You Dad for all that you have done inspite of the very severe financial constraints and Dear God Please Do not let my children too become examples of how their life changed because something happened to their father…
The last few months were traumatic and stressful. First was the tension of my test results, then was the financial aspect, then the kids and finally whether I have to move back or stay put.
Thankfully things are getting clear. Though my colostomy could not be reversed I am learning to live with it and also to dress FORMALLY which was a very big drawback as for as I was concerned. With the tests becoming negative which is baffling everyone including my physicians I am extremely happy and can thank God, my readers, well wishers, friends… the list goes on.
With my wife finishing her course and with me under severe financial strain as I was yet to join full time the kids were becoming a stressful factor. Finally my wife decided that she will stay put for some more months b4 we can work out something for the kids. I am extremely happy and this reminds me of the saying when God closes one door he opens other, for inspite of my sufferings He has given me a wonderful, adjustable, caring and loving wife without whom my disease and its management would have not be possible at all.
Finally it was my profession- I was in two minds whether to stay put or go back to Chennai for the welfare of everyone but the overwhelming faith and support of my patients has made me to think otherwise and I have decided to settle in Bangalore.
Hopefully once I start full time my financial woes come down, I am aware that I need to travel and stress would be involved but have no other choice.
Once again thanks to my patients who have stayed with me inspite of my irregularly irregular practise and I hope that I continue to live upto their expectations…
Sad and Depressed…
Jul 24
Its been more than 3 weeks since I left Bangalore and since the kids have started missing me and my wife a lot I decided to return back. It was very depressing to leave behind kids and added to this is the fact my colostomy cannot be reversed for the time being which itself has shattered my spirits since I was dreaming of leading a normal life, further adding salt to my wound was my colovesical fistula which limited and is still limiting my mobility. Because of the inflammation my bladder is over acting and I feel like voiding every 10 – 15 minutes. The pain which was unberable (I used to clinch and lie down every time I void ) was getting slightly better by medications. However now it is back to square one with the pain resurfacing. Catheterization for about 2-3 weeks has been advised to allow my fistula to heal. All these makes me depressed. If I am to get catheterised then I cannot work, boredom and loss of income will surely add to my misery.
Sitting alone at home also makes me think of unwanted ideas and makes to remember all my unfortunate events.
Dont know how long my strenght would carry me…
It is really unfortunate that I have to face problems for no fault of mine.
I wanted to come to Chennai hoping that my records and condition would be known to the specialists concerned but unfortunately that was not to be. First it was the perforation, next the denial and now activation of my colovesical fistula.
I sensed something was wrong since yesterday since whenever my bowels moved I started having pain in my urethra and also the color of my urine was abnormal, but I did not want to jump to conclusions until today morning when I had gas in my urine!!!
It is really unfortunate for when I thought things were settling down and I was continuing my practise and was seeing light at the end of the tunnel my endoscopist turns back the wheel…
Probably I should have stayed back and done all the tests in Bangalore but then if only we can change time.
Now I have to go through the entire trauma of pain, shooting pain everytime my bowel moves, everytime I clear my bowels and everytime I void. Worse the bladder which was already colonised will be teaming more with bacteria.
But the worse of all is that I believe I cannot think of reversing my colostomy in the near future for there will be two strictures and two connections to my bladder.Good Job.
Its frustrating and depressing. I hope at least from now my physicians realise that doing less is much better than being too aggressive that too when it is obvious…
Its been a week I would like to forget but then I will be missing the lessons learnt and the traumatic truths.
When I had cancer I was shocked and broken more from the fact that my faith was shaken than about the disease itself. It took me almost 3 months for me to come to terms with the erosion of my faith, though this was much shorter than my previous stint which lasted for almost 3 years (That I do not learn from past experiences should be very obvious!!!).
I was initially in cloud nine beaming with confidence, joy and what not after the test results and after receiving calls from my friends. I was also receiving mails and calls even from people I did not know informing me that I am an inspiration and giving them a chance to be thankful for the life they have got.
It was all to be shattered soon during my recent visit to the hospital. I was introduced to the endoscopist and was explained what was to be done. I was taken to the changing room and then the anaesthetist introduced himself. As soon as he saw me he asked are you not the FB person. I was the rolled into the OT and another anaesthetist informed me that she too was in my FB list, all these while I was floating from my popularity in FB.
The next thing I knew was waking in the recovery room with very severe pain in my left side of my abdomen I immediately sensed that something was not right, I writhed with pain and was given the maximum dose of pain killers but that too did not soothe the pain as it should, I was informed it might be due to the gas holed up in the abdomen and that it should settle down. Though I was sure something was wrong I accepted it and came home. That night started having severe pain in the abdomen and was not able to turn, it brought back memories of my first episode of symptom of Cancer!
If this was not enough I was informed that my colostomy could not be reversed and it is also a possibility that it will be a permanent one, since there was a tight narrowing and it needs to be assessed.
I was shattered beyond words and was once again depressed, I thought probably I jumped with joy too early. I just could not accept the reality and was withdrawn. I was dreaming of wearing a suite, tucking in my shirts, attending conferences, giving talks etc., but I believe that was not to be. I just remembered the song Chinna Chinna Asaai from the film Roja and realised these are to be dreams alone…
The next day I again went to the hospital since the pain was unbearable to the extent I was not able to sit up even. I was advised admission and investigations were done, once again I was informed that this was due to the gas and once it comes out things should be fine. But I was not willing to accept it. As they say a patient knows better, I was pretty confident that I had a perforation. The only thing I fail to comprehend is that its been five days since I have been discharged and I still get motion in my stools!!!. I hope it just means that the stricture could have been dilated.
My pain started getting worse,the next day I started having pain in the chest with difficulty in breathing and turning about. I could not even get up from the bed and spent a sleepless night. Since I was to be managed conservatively I preferred to get discharged and take treatment at home since my wife is also a doctor and also for the fact my insurance was not accepted and my finances drained. I preferred to save the amount which works approximately to around Rs.15,000/day which under these circumstances is a very huge amount, since I am working more like a part time and my resources are drained out.
At this point in time I need to thank Mr.Natarajan who is GM operations, without whose help my admission would not have been possible. Also I am not sure how long Apollo would bear with my absence and irregular presence. But one thing is for sure even if they ask me to quit since my wife has finished her course she can get a job to sustain the family and thankfully/gratefully my patients stand solidly behind me.
The shock, pain and its aftermath, soon…
Unfortunate setbacks
Jul 5
I came to Chennai with full of enthusiasm and was in cloud nine thinking that past has become past, but I believe that my Creator or Sanni Bhagwan do not want to let go of me yet.
First it was the turn of my colonoscopy, it was a horrible experience and hence had to be curtailed and postponed for a later date.
I had gone for my Colonoscope and hardly had the scope went in that I was in extreme pain, the one I had experienced when I had cancer, I started sweating and vomitted because of the pain, worse it lasted for almost 3-4 hours, also started having increased frequency of the urge to visit the restroom.
Was depressed for I know if reversed these are the ones I need to experience and am not sure how long or how often I need to visit the restroom, I had gone through the patient experiences and have found that for some people they were almost in the restroom for close to three months and for some it took almost 2-3 years before they could get back to the “new” normalcy!!!
Was very much depressed and was not sure whether I should go ahead, even now in two minds, what if the pain persists and that I havr to be in restroom always? Thought I will await for the colonoscopy to be completed under anaesthesia before taking a final call.
If this was not enough found out that my insurance is not accepted and that I have to pay by cash for all the procedures which would work out to around 2.5-3 lakhs!
Already with my savings wiped out and this was the last thing I needed. Got to ask my family as usual for financial support, it is really unfortunate but I believe I have no choice.
No wonder Cancer is a killer for until now I have spent close to 18 lakhs on my treatment and still counting, how many in India can afford when a person like me itself finds it difficult to cope with the financial strain.
Anyways I believe I have to go through and hope that there will be light at the end soon…
I had been to BIO yesterday for my PET-CT and was taken aback, details of which I will give shortly. Got up at 4.30 AM and started getting calls from my family wishing me luck. ALso there were some incidents which happened at Baba’s Bhajan which my wife regularly attends and we were informed that things will be fine.
Appointed a driver as I was not sure whether I would be able to drive.
Reached BIO at 5 am and was dumbstuck to find three other people waiting in front of me!!!
Waited for 15 minutes and was called in for the preparation. I had applied Prilox cream to my wrist and the technician looked at me as if I was a wierdo!. He then poked my finger for glucose testing and I acted as a kid having gone through pain for the last 1 year was not able and phobic to the same.
Then was taken to the back room and FDG was injected and made to wait for 45 minutes.
In the meantime was given water mixed with contrast to drink, it was awful and felt like vomitting but that was prevented by their giving Emeset.
Finally was in the machine and after 20 minutes was asked to leave.
I was very tensed and enquired but was informed it would take another 20 minutes for the films to come on screen.
Went and met my wife who was even more tensed and in the meantime the contrast made me to start having diarrhoea which was making my bag to fill up in no time, this alongwith my UTI which again surfaced once I stopped my Nitrofurantoin made matters worse.
Dr.Kallur came in and after sometime said on the whole things look better and that he would give the detailed report the next day.
Got my IV removed and came home and had a pleasant surprise when I logged in.
I was asked to produce a certificate by my hospital to state that I was trained to do Cochlear Implantation, the certificate came and will be soon submitting it to the Medical Board.
Skipped office in view of the diarrhoea and was tensed till evening, when one of my wifes friend called and said things are NORMAL, yippe, two in a row, things are looking up and finally some happy news are trickling in. Hoping and praying that this continues. Will update once the final report is in hand.
Yes Folks – Its Official
Jun 25
Last two days were very tense for couple of reasons.
inally its official – My Reports are Normal and my fistula is closed.
Next is my PET-CT and then it is colonoscopy and finally colostomy closure.
I believe the next few months are going to be very tense for I need to get my colostomy reversed and I am seriously contemplating a career change since I have a choice of putting up with nonsense or start concentrating on my career and go in for regular check ups for my disease.
Well there is a third option too and that is ignore the nonsense at the workplace, but me being me, am not able to.
There are four choices in front of me – One being visiting in Bangalore, moving bed and parcel to Chennai, being visiting in Chennai and CBE and finally look at options in Bangalore.
let me know your thoughts
But for now go ahead with my stupid disease and celebrate the happy news trickling and enjoy as long as it lasts, hoping that this is going to be for lifetime.
Thanks folks for all your wishes and prayers. I believe more than my will power it was your wishes, prayers and confidence which has helped me come this far…
Hi, I am Dr.Kumaresh a surgeon by occupation. I completed my basics in ENT and went to US for higher training in Head and Neck and Neurotology. I am currently a Senior Consultant at Apollo Hospitals which is the largest healthcare provider in Asia.
I am happily married and my wife is doing her pathology post graduation. I have two kids.
After I complete My Journey to Cancer, I will be providing information about diseases relating to ENT, Head and Neck and Neurotology.
You can also browse through my other blog and follow me in other social sites through links provided in My Blog.
To contact me kindly send in an email and I would be more than happy to communicate with you or clarify your doubts regarding my blog or questions relating to my speciality.
